For anyone struggling with any of the issues raised in this post, you can find help and resources at some of the links below:
Suicide Resources in the UK: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/fee...idal-thoughts/
Suicide Resources in Europe: https://suicideprevention.wikia.org/wiki/Europe
Suicide Resources in the rest of the world: https://suicideprevention.wikia.org/wiki/Category:International_Suicide_Prevention_Director y*
[TRIGGER WARNING - DEPRESSION/SUICIDE/ABUSE]
First of all, I am NOT doing this so you feel sorry for me. I am doing this, so you get to know me, because my therapist instructed me to tell people and to ask for help (for me and others enduring a mental disease).
I suffer from Depression since I was a kid. I was diagnosed around a decade ago. Some mental problems are caused by biological factors, but most of them are due to trauma and really bad in life. The second is my case.
I was born in* 1989. My mom was a 19 years old (20 a few days later) Brazilian. My father was a 32 Spanish. My father was her first boyfriend (and husband). She was his third wife (out of 4). I was her first and only child. For him, I was his third (one from each marriage, except his last). I have an older sister, but my brother died before I was born. Why am I telling you all this? So you can understand what comes next. My mom was too young, almost a child herself. But not my father, he was a fully grown man that chose to abandon all of his children. My sister spent decades going from house to house, from family member to family member, 'cause nobody really wanted and knew how to deal with her, she had a rough early life. My brother, poor thing, was tossed aside like a doll and died due to lack of proper care. And then that was me.
Did you guys notice I call him father and her mom? It is intentional. While my mom was doing her best to take care of me, 2 dogs, a big house and a business, my father was always working, running (he is an athlete, in the Guinness Book and everything)*.
She made many mistakes (like not noticing I had a broken leg, whereas a fell from her bed when she was out of the room). She's not perfect, nobody is, but at least she was there.
On the other hand, he was much older, experienced, absent and antiquated. He would forbid my mom to come care for me when I cried at night as a baby. * Among other "little" things.
They got separated when I was 4 or 5 years old. My mom and I went to live in a tiny apartment. Those were difficult times. Money was so tight that my granny had to buy us supplies. I remember one Friday evening, I asked her to buy us a pizza for dinner, she said to me: Sorry, honey, I don't have any money. Next time, ok?
And went to cry on her bed.
The first time I planned on ending my life, I was 6 years old or so. * And I have planned on killing myself many times afterwards.
Both of my parents had many partners over the years. Even so, they chose the worst people to get married to again. My stepmother is a fairytale evil witch and I will talk about my stepfather in a bit.
Bear with me folks, sorry for the longest post of all time...
My stepfather is 18 years OLDER than my mom. Yes, you read it right. He was an adult when she was born.
We went to live with him when I was 10. The sexual abuse started months after. * I spent 15 years living in constant fear and stress.
The worst part: my mom doesn't know a thing. They are still together. She stopped working to become a housewife and depends on 100% of him.
When I was 19, a guy from work * raped me. But I only realized it was a rape years after the incident, watching a documentary about rape and the many forms it can acquire (from a husband, a friend, etc). For a long time, I blamed myself for being so naive and stupid by being sexually assaulted (like it was my fault for being a victim).
And this is just a part of what I suffered. I don't want to write a bible as a post. Let's just say I don't have an easy life (such as many of us mortals).
I do not have a conclusion. I am still alive and doing the best I can to heal. I go to therapy, I take antidepressants, I occupy my time with art and dance classes... I exist, I am visible, I matter, I am valid, I am important, I have value, I need to be heard and understood in order to stay on my path to recovery.
That is why I have so much difficulty making and maintaining friends, boyfriends and even hobbies (i.g. playing games). This leads me to my ask for help:
I have hardship gaming. Especially with adverse games (for example, Death Stranding). I would love some company and guidance, so I don't feel awfully lonely, afraid and stressed while playing. Is anybody up for it?
That is all for today.
Last edited by j7schultz; 22-05-22 at 08:25.